How punishments and consequences affect the body and mind

Let’s face it…Parenting can be a real challenge in the face of a child who keeps doing or saying things you don’t like.

The path I see most parents take is the following:

Try to stay calm and convince the child to do what you want them to do.

Child doesn’t listen and/or is defiant.

Parent’s blood starts to boil.

Parent yells, threatens a consequence and/or gives a punishment.

Child fights back and eventually ends up crying, hateful, or pretty shutdown and disconnected.

Parent feels a lot of guilt for over-reacting and/or is seething in resentment for having such an annoying child who doesn’t listen!

So, why does this always happen? And why is it so hard to change this reactive pattern?

If you haven’t listened to my podcast with Sarah Rosensweet on exactly why this happens, then you can listen here on The Peaceful Parenting Podcast or find it anywhere you listen to your podcasts.

But what happens to a child when we, as parents, continue to use punishments and consequences?

Unfortunately, there are detriments to our child’s biology and mental health when we use punitive ways to deter them from doing “bad” things or attempt to have them “learn a lesson”.

Below is a recent video chat I did with Sarah Rosensweet discussing what happens from both a psychological and biological perspective when we use punishments and consequences and why using peaceful limits is a much better way to help kids learn a better way to behave.

Parenting can be a real challenge when your child keeps doing or saying things you don't like. This post describes the reactive pattern most parents fall into, from trying to stay calm to yelling and threatening consequences, and shares my video chat with Sarah Rosensweet on what punishments and consequences do to a child's biology and mental health.

You can also listen to this chat on her Peaceful Parenting Podcast here.

Questions Parents Ask

Why do I end up yelling and threatening consequences when my child doesn't listen?

The path I see most parents take is this: try to stay calm and convince the child to do what you want. The child doesn't listen or is defiant, and the parent's blood starts to boil. The parent yells, threatens a consequence or gives a punishment, and the child fights back. Afterward, the parent feels a lot of guilt for over-reacting, or is seething in resentment.

Do punishments and consequences harm children?

Unfortunately, there are detriments to our child's biology and mental health when we use punitive ways to deter them from doing "bad" things or attempt to have them "learn a lesson". In my video chat with Sarah Rosensweet, we discuss what happens from both a psychological and biological perspective when we use punishments and consequences.

What can I use instead of punishments and consequences?

When parents yell and punish, the child often fights back and eventually ends up crying, hateful, or pretty shut down and disconnected. In my video chat with Sarah Rosensweet, we discuss why using peaceful limits is a much better way to help kids learn a better way to behave.

About the author: Afshan Tafler is a Nervous System Resilience Coach, host of The Regulated Parent podcast, and a parent raising a PDA autistic teen with high anxiety and OCD. She is trained in Internal Family Systems (Level 3), Havening, polyvagal-informed practice and EFT, and is completing her Somatic Experiencing training. She has guided hundreds of parents of ADHD, autistic and PDA kids from burnout and barely coping to steadier, more connected and more alive, within the life they are actually living.